Hipster Intelligence Agency

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Heartbreakers VII

The Netherlands never embraced the car culture like America did. In order to maintain walkable, livable cities, the city governments of the Netherlands promote bicycling. It’s an efficient, cheap way to travel, and the health benefits can’t be beat. So the city governments of the Netherlands have come up with a system of public bicycles.

The bicycles will be placed in strategic locations around the city, painted in bright colors so they will get your attention. They are free for anyone who needs them. There are basically two rules for the bicycles:

1. You can’t take them home.

2. Everyone gets a ride.

Yoga Ass

Yoga Ass

So after Yoga Ass kisses me, we make out a bit more at the bar and walk back to her place. I have no idea what we talked about, if anything, but what I do remember – quite well – is undressing her for the first time. It felt like opening presents at Christmas, and getting your favorite thing ever. Or, like buying a lottery ticket and realizing that you won. Or, like getting a book from your bookshelf and finding money tucked away inside.

So to keep Yoga Ass I had to fight off – in some cases, literally physically fight – 5 other guys. The first was the hipster loser at the bar, I quickly dispatched him. The second was the fucking DJ, but she didn’t seem to like whatever happened between them, as he quickly disappeared and only showed up one more time. 5 minutes of ignoring him and he got the message and left. The third was a bit more tricky, her Beta Orbiter that nevertheless got some friends with benefits action. She seemed to like him just fine, it’s just that he was, well, short, beta, not particularly charismatic, and not particular good looking. But he was sort of a “safety blanket” for her – as long as he didn’t interfere with her other conquests, she was perfectly happy to keep him around.

So after we’ve been seeing each other for a week and a half, getting into a quite comfortable routine – meet at a bar, drink, go back to her place and fuck like bunny rabbits – she’s started up with the drama. She let me know early on, “I’m seeing other people.”

“That’s ok, so am I.”

Now You're My Slave

Now You’re My Slave

But when we meet up, maybe the fifth or sixth time, and she’s chatting with Beta Benefits at the bar, kind of ignoring me, I figure I have to nip this bad behavior in the bud. So first I have to get rid of Beta Benefits. That was easy, she walks out of the bar, I’m still chatting with him, then walk out. But oh shit, I forget my card, so I have to go back in. He comes up to me and asks, “so where did Yoga Ass go?” I couldn’t tell him she’s meeting me at the other bar because we’re trying to get rid of him politely, so I just say, “oh I think she left.” Yoga Ass and I meet up at the other bar, but she decides to answer his text and tell him where we are. Talk about low emotional intelligence – the guy shows up and hangs around. Yoga Ass and I are texting each other on our phones, while this guy is blabbing about something, clearly not getting the message. But the girl is enjoying the drama, she’s enjoying the secret we have between us. Eventually he leaves, we go to her place, and when I take her out for breakfast the next morning I figure I need to lay down the law.

I tell her, straight up, she can do whatever she wants on her own time, but if we’re going out, she’s mine for the night. I’m not interested in hanging out with her and her boyfriends. Take it or leave it. She agrees, apologizes – her apology completely insincere – and we make plans to go out later that week. So the next time we get together, I bring her a gift. It’s a necklace. Kind of a choker. She looks surprised, smiles, but also a little weirded out. We’ve only been “seeing each other” (aka, fucking) for a few weeks, and it’s a pretty beta move to buy jewelry that early in a hook up. So I explain to her that this isn’t really a gift. It’s not really her necklace. It’s mine. I want to play a game. When she’s wearing the necklace, she has to do whatever I say. Hearing this, a complex range of emotions cross her face, everything from excitement, to amusement, to skepticism. But she finally smiles, says, “uh, ok.”

So I put the necklace around her neck. I look at her, and smile. “OK, now you’re my slave. The first thing you have to do is kiss me.” Smile again.

She likes it. She closes her eyes, leans her head up, and I kiss her on her lips.

Sometimes Truth is Stranger than Fiction

Sometimes Truth is Stranger than Fiction

So out of the blue, just a few weeks after I broke all contact with Mr. Spooky, I get a most unexpected call. My old employers, from SmallCorp, want to hire me for a job. I hadn’t talked to these people in nearly a decade. But out of the blue, they call me up, and have a job for me. Telecommuting no problem. In fact, it may lead to more work. Would I be willing to get a security clearance, go through all the background investigations? Sounds great. I’m up for it, interview with the client, and everything is a go.

That is, until I start telling more of the story, online. The next day I get a call, the funding has been delayed. We’ll have to push off this project for another week as last minute paperwork is being done. OK, I figured, no big deal.

At this point, it’s almost a game. Each chapter of the story, and the funding gets postponed again. Somebody is reading, but god knows who.

K FlaySo Fast, So Maybe

if you like S&M go choke a bitch
if you wanna just blaze go smoke a spliff
if you’ve got an envelope go open it
if you need to urinate stop holding it
if you’re mad fed up find a bone to pick
and if you wanna get laid then don’t commit
relax, bubble bath go soak in it
dead broke but you got a couple poker chips
feeling hopeless cause it’s all downhill
from the moment that you’re born til the moment that you’re killed
well at least when you’re dead you can get a little god damn rest
see i’ve been out of whack since ’92
when my folks split up and i came unglued
and i haven’t really slept that well since then
staring at alarm clocks on my nightstands
but now i’m married to the kick drum
sampling loops like they’re dim sum
tell myself i think i can little engine
but sometimes seems like it’s all been done
i wanna end on a good note, but damn i misspoke
so i retract everything i said
oughta rise and shine think i’ll stay in bed

little did i know shit would get so crazy
so fast, so maybe
i’ll get baked on the daily
put my feet up, let my mind go hazy
little did i know shit would get this gnarly
this quickly, i hardly had time to think
no time to think

if you want nice eyes wear maybelline
if you need a new friend pick rachel green
if you wanna act wild go make a scene
getting paid over here baby ching a ling
if you’re scared to propose then save the ring
and if he can’t hit it right, fake a scream
life sucker punch might break your spleen
so you better get used to the pace of things
cause basically it’s like stress non-stop
from the moment that you’re born til the moment that you drop
well at least when you’re dead you can get a little peace in the head
see i’ve been feeling blue since ’99
when i realized i’m a slave to time
and the minutes that we’ve got all limited in stock
while i’m looking at my watch just wasting mine
aww caught a glimpse of the action
since that day i felt the passion
don’t just talk, go make it happen
three points in the clutch john paxson
but i’m maxing everything out
damn, and the same doubts keep weighing on my brain
oughta rise and shine think i’ll just complain

little did i know shit would get so crazy
so fast, so maybe
i’ll get baked on the daily
put my feet up, let my mind go hazy
little did i know shit would get this gnarly
this quickly, i hardly had time to think
no time to think

if you like what you have and you’ve got what you need
if your apartment is the place to be
if you eat sweet crepes or savory
wanna get in touch so you’re paging me
if you stalk down your rival and break her knee
if you’re wandering the earth aimlessly
trying to learn it all, A to Z
but you can’t get it up when you lay the d
well i suggest you switch your mind state
when people ask you how it’s going, just say i’m great

4 comments on “Heartbreakers VII

  1. Hipster Racist
    November 7, 2013

    Reblogged this on Hipster Racist.

  2. mel
    November 8, 2013

    hmm… you’ve got me hooked with this story!

  3. Pingback: The Life and Times of Hipster Racist | Hipster Racist

  4. Pingback: Heartbreakers VIII | Hipster Intelligence Agency


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